And you thought talking to kids about sex was awkward.

Having “The Talk” with my son.

I have this fear, a fear that my son will be riding in a car with his friends. The music blasting and they are bouncing with joy. They get pulled over because the driver is texting. They are asked to get out of the car. My son is singled out and somehow ends up dead. Is this fear unfounded? No, my son is black.

Let me explain. I am a white mother of two adopted African American boys. They were gifted to me at birth by their birthmothers and family. My husband and I have stayed up late into the night for feedings, changed diapers, gone to far too many birthday parties and soccer games with their mostly white friends. We love them with every inch of our soul. Just like you love your kids.

The difference for the white readers of this story is you will never have the same chill run down your back when you see another video of a black person being shot. You may feel outraged, like many white people do, but it won’t be as personal to you.

Just like you I tell my kids to look both ways before crossing the street, about stranger danger and the birds and the bees. I also have an ongoing series of “The Talk” with them about how the world will view and treat them because of the color of their skin. For example: how people may call the police on you for walking thru their white neighborhood, or how a woman may clutch her purse closer to herself because she thinks you are going to steal it or how you will be suspect before innocent. Imagine how you would feel if you had to warn your children about this?

I am getting more courageous talking to my kids about racism but the feelings are complex. Guilt for being white, angry for robbing part of their innocence, tender for my sweet boys, and protective of their hearts. But not telling my children about racism can prove deadly. So I muster every ounce of courage and talk.

My most recent conversation with my 10-year-old son was about the president elect and the racist comments he has made about Latinos, Muslims and Blacks. My son is very aware of the comments and is equally angry about it. He asked me why the comments were made which led me into explaining stereotypes. I told him that just because of the color of ones skin black people are stereotyped. “What’s that?” he says. I parallel it to “all men are big and strong or all girls don’t like science.” He laughs and says, “That’s not true!” I agree “it isn’t true but black people are often associated with crime.” He gave me a funny look and asks, “Like stealing?” “So if someone sees me walking down the street they might think I am going to steal from them?” “Yes, they might.” He gives me a pensive look. I cringe inside like all black parents do when they have to tell their children these hard truths.

When I was growing up you would automatically call the police if you were in trouble. Now I wonder if this will be true for my kids. My white norm is not the same as their black norm.

So I tell my son, “the police are always on high alert. This can make them very stressed, which can lead them to make snap decisions that are deadly. Unfortunately black people have been stereotyped as suspicious. Not all police are on your side and will consider you a threat.” Of course my child’s response is “the police here are nice. So not all cops are bad.” “Your right not all police are bad. But some of them are and it ruins it for all the police. Non the less, with the police you must also be on high alert, be respectful, keep your hands visible, and don’t make any sudden moves.”

Confronting my internal trepidation, I suck in a deep breath and continue to talk about racism and white supremacy. “Throughout history the superior group has been white. Unfortunately, this power has been used to abuse people of color.” I parallel this to being bullied at school. “The bully is superior and the person being bullied is at risk. Except the person of color is the one being bullied just because of the color of their skin.”

His eyebrows raise and he asks “why?” I tell him that it’s gone back to the times of slavery and even though slavery is abolished and attitudes are changing they haven’t changed enough. “Unfortunately many people will see you as black and suspicious before they see you as my son. They will not see you as the loving, compassionate, smart, athletic guy you are. It is incredibly unfair and wrong.” He quietly asks “But you are white. Do you think of me that way?” Taken aback by this question I say “Of course not. I do not think of any person of color that way. Dad and I see people as individuals. There are millions of white people that do not judge people by the color of their skin. They also think racism and stereotyping is wrong. Pretty much every single white person you know is not racist”. He leans in for a snuggle and I embrace him with my heart and soul.

If I were a white mom with white children then having “The Talk” would be optional. But for me it feels necessary.

Every time I approach the subject of racism with my son I am filled with anxiety. Thoughts rise from my core, I am white… And I am going to tell my black 10-year old son that white people and others will see him as black before they see him as the friendly curious boy that he is. But not having the talk with my son can put him in serious danger and not prepare him for the racism in our society. I shudder at the idea of robbing a part of his blissful childhood innocence by having “The Talk.” It makes me angry and I think it is unfair.

Sometimes I feel crushed knowing that my sons will be faced with a wall of racism. They deserve to live a fully realized life and have an equitable chance at being successful like their white friends. It has forced me to examine my own implicit racism and live a life of social justice. It makes me proud to know they get to see me as a white advocate for their race.

I ask you to put yourself in my, and every black parents, shoes and have the uncomfortable “Talk” with your children about racism. Take the deep injustice you feel when you see videos of shootings and be a living example of anti-racism. These simple shifts can set in motion a future free of racism. And, it can save many innocent lives.

Yvette M. Brown,

A white mom of two beautiful boys.

For tips on the “Talk” see my article: Talking to white kids about race 101.